Don’t get stuck in nasty habits that are hard to replace.

And by that, I’m not referring to the typical teenage rebellion stories so cultivated by society, mostly (I suspect) created by adults to flaunt their own superiority in the face of their loss of youth.

No, I am referring to the opposite kind of problem, one not held up as a horror story, or a nice narrative used to denounce a generation. For just as it is possible to care too little about your future, it is also possible to care far too much.

When you start to care too much over the numbers on your transcript, the assinments you must face, it is all too easy to ignore the life you have in front of you. Dashing homework questions in the library and ignoring friends, it’s hard to fully grasp the sacrifice you’re making until you try to reverse the pattern you have locked your life to.

It is dubious whether or not this kind of hard work will even yield higher grades. Kids I know who put the kind of all-or-nothing pressure on themselves for success end up spending more time procrastinating under the pressure they put themselves under, and may overwork projects in ways that increases the quality of the work without actually increasing the mark.

In the process of this overwork, kids/teens/adults, you forget yourself.

You try to fit into the mold of school without thinking of your own goals and dreams, ignoring friends, and, hells, if you’re not going into the academic straight-and-narrow, taking time away from the development of a future career!

Life is full of its propoganda.  But while it’s true teens can be peer-pressured to drink and smoke, let’s not ignore the increased competitiveness of high school students, increasing university rates, and with it, the increase in overworked kids.

I’m writing this blog out of sheer procratination, facing familiar situations.

I always knew grade twelve would be the year of death (here in Canada it pretty much decides your next four years), I just never knew it would all feel so familiar.

The strain of work, the pressure to pass the latest test is really wearing me thin. It feels like I’m on my last few yards of strained fabric, not because this year has so far been stressful, but because I feel as though my whole life I was headed for the new great chapter, when I don’t even know if this is true.

Maybe I need to change my outlook on life, because this whole all-or-nothing grade twelve build-up feels way too intense for my anxiety-prone mind to handle. Truthfully, I’m not sure if this proposed answer I’m getting in terms of finding the “right school” is believable or just naive.

What terrifies me the most out of all of this is not that continual taunting fear that I somehow won’t do as good as I could have in these seemingly defining moments, but that the finish line/new beginning/whatever you choose to call it of these next four years won’t hold the answers I’m facing.

And I know, I can always switch majors, always switch schools, but frankly, wouldn’t it suck if the thing you were propelled at since a child turned out to be a big lie?

University. The big determinant of our futures.

But now that it’s actually here, I’m quasi-disappointed in myself at mindlessly following the road frequently trodden. It’s just too painful to think of how the sacrifices I made for some sort of facade of achievement could actually equate to nul… and this university game is just society’s propoganda keeping us all on our toes…

As an example, I started off in private school where marks were the crux of my existence. Now that I’ve decided to apply to fine arts instead of something more academic, I’m realizing that marks don’t mean a shit next to your portfolio. And yet, knowing this, I’m trodding along like a sheep, churning out assignments, completely ignoring the art that I both love and have decided to spend my life pursuing.

I’m terrified.