I’m writing this blog out of sheer procratination, facing familiar situations.

I always knew grade twelve would be the year of death (here in Canada it pretty much decides your next four years), I just never knew it would all feel so familiar.

The strain of work, the pressure to pass the latest test is really wearing me thin. It feels like I’m on my last few yards of strained fabric, not because this year has so far been stressful, but because I feel as though my whole life I was headed for the new great chapter, when I don’t even know if this is true.

Maybe I need to change my outlook on life, because this whole all-or-nothing grade twelve build-up feels way too intense for my anxiety-prone mind to handle. Truthfully, I’m not sure if this proposed answer I’m getting in terms of finding the “right school” is believable or just naive.

What terrifies me the most out of all of this is not that continual taunting fear that I somehow won’t do as good as I could have in these seemingly defining moments, but that the finish line/new beginning/whatever you choose to call it of these next four years won’t hold the answers I’m facing.

And I know, I can always switch majors, always switch schools, but frankly, wouldn’t it suck if the thing you were propelled at since a child turned out to be a big lie?

University. The big determinant of our futures.

But now that it’s actually here, I’m quasi-disappointed in myself at mindlessly following the road frequently trodden. It’s just too painful to think of how the sacrifices I made for some sort of facade of achievement could actually equate to nul… and this university game is just society’s propoganda keeping us all on our toes…

As an example, I started off in private school where marks were the crux of my existence. Now that I’ve decided to apply to fine arts instead of something more academic, I’m realizing that marks don’t mean a shit next to your portfolio. And yet, knowing this, I’m trodding along like a sheep, churning out assignments, completely ignoring the art that I both love and have decided to spend my life pursuing.

I’m terrified.